A Whole New Year

There are a lot of different things now, I always said I didn't want to start a new year in Buenos Aires, the fact that I had to come all this way to realize some things still makes me uneasy, today more than ever I feel alone even though I am not... these are the things I have to go through maybe it's the only way, but it's not the way I wanted things to go.

Today I miss the most important part of me whom is far away in more than distance, I miss her and I will always miss her. 

My balance starts in the job I loved most in the last 5 years in which my contract finished and I had to go to the worse one I had in my life, among those months of struggling, my house finally got sold and the running months of this year started... begun by emptying the house of 3 generations of my family, up until the last minute I realized that I would actually miss the thing I was trying to get rid of, I moved to Palermo, alone to an apartment I probably shouldn't have rented, with my two lovely cats whom I love and miss everyday, I got the chance to go to Europe with my amazing unconditional mother and two of the most important people in my life, we've done more than I thought possible, Amsterdam was our first stop by far the most amazing one, then came Paris and all the problems, but nothing that a day at Disneyland couldn't fix. When we thought it impossible, Ro and me then went Rome, and the drunkest 4 days of the trip, and after 18 days of nonstop waking, came Palma de Mallorca. I never imagined I could like it so much, same goes to my mom's boyfriend, whom turned out to be a friendly guy. Half a day in Barcelona and we had to come back to Buenos Aries... 

And another race begun... the one for our trip to the U.S. 

A month in and we were only days away of the date, first came Miami with issues on the first day and then we found a place it was a different story all together seeing the place I love most by someone else's eyes, then came the lack of money.

And now writing from Virginia, not in my wildest dreams I thought I'd end up here, but here we are, together even after almost leaving, only time will tell if it was a good choice.

And carry on I did, I got two jobs, one at the gelato place where my friend's cousin worked, and one at a children's clothing store, which I hated from day one. I was living with the most overbearing and religiously fanatic people ever, but hey, they gave us the chance to live with them for free for the time being... To tell the truth I never thought I could live with two little children, but in time they were the easiest to live with.

Winter was hard but I loved the snow, I spent my birthday sad and horribly nostalgic, Ro only cheers me up a little now a days... I got promoted at the clothing store, and sent to another store. The situation at the home became worse everyday, no matter what I did or didn't do, his aunt would loath me anyway, so when it was time for her father to come on vacation, she couldn't help it any longer and asked when was I leaving the house, in mid may I moved to a hostel because my friend's family moved to the middle of nowhere thank you very much! I was working two jobs, and only liking one.- liking both was a long stretch I know, but still, I could hope.- But ironically enough the one I ended up liking better was the one I hated at first, it all changed when I got promoted and transferred away to Pentagon City. 

I had an amazing team, we got along amazingly, I worked a lot in between both jobs they never let my work go unnoticed I got acknowledgements all the time, in time I ended up getting more responsibilities because I was doing a great job on my own, around mid may I got promoted again to Assistant Manager, I trained a girl that was also a great associate to take my position as lead, I got to take interviews with my manager, and I got to quit the job at the gelato place, and I couldn't  be happier, and of course that's when it all goes to hell here in the States, so it had to happen: I had nowhere else to stay. I was pushed over the edge. That was my breaking point, everything good that I achieved here, was only shadowed by something horrible that didn't let me go on... 

This was the second time that after getting promoted and being happy with my job I ended up homeless, and this time I just couldn't take it anymore, the only issue was that my manager was gonna be left alone at the store and after everything she did for me, I couldn't leave her like this, it didn't feel right. So after a long day of crying, I talked to her, and she even offered me her house, but I couldn't. I was just so tired of working for nothing, working and not being able to get a place for myself, not even getting a little bit closer to my goal of anything.

Even though it was a though choice for me to make, I decided to leave. 

First of there was Alma, she no doubt was the most amazing soul I met during my stay in DC, I couldn't of make it without her on so many ways... 

And then, it came the hardest moment of those almost 6 months there: Saying goodbye to Ro... I had many difficult choices, many hard moments, but this particular one, I never thought I would leave him, I never thought I would be saying goodbye to him, I never imagined our lives separating like this... We spent the afternoon of the day before I was going to Miami together, we had nachos and margaritas, and hug and cried and barely talked just look at each other... Our story is never to end, I love you too much, and you love me too much as well. Miami's ten days were a stressful blur, packing, making choices, being there with my uncle, his dying relationship and his partner's mother at the edge of death and all that it implies for him too, being stressed didn't even begun to cut it for neither of them, but they took me in anyway, thinking it would be for a long time... but it was only ten days...

Seeing Dash 4 times in 6 months was the best part of everything we've been through here, First it came Boston, we were on his list, it took us 10 hours to get there, staying 3 hours in NYC, with the cold and everything we went to Time's Square for a little walk, then returned to the Bus Central, and on we went to Boston. We arrived after the worse blizzard of the decade, so of course it was really cold and we walked among walls of snow... literally. We stayed at a hostel, which was only 3 blocks away from the club, when we got to the place we were asked to wait inside as we were friends of the artist. We spent most of the show on the stage, talked to Bob a lot, and got hell of a night with Dash's set.

Then Came Philadelphia, we went with Ro's cousin. She drove, and we paid for everything else, even the tickets, We spent the whole show on the dance floor, we wouldn't want to impose on him with another person being with us... We of course went to say hi, he gave us the WE ARE bracelets, and we got the blue ones for the charity that he was supporting as well.

Then Washington DC came, we were alone there as well, on the one hand it was better, but also, by this time as we were about to move away from each other, I was feeling really down, and I was sure it was gonna be the last time I ever saw him, both Dash and Ro... We were all the show with them, and I cried most of the songs... I was so gonna miss this...

Then came NYC with almost no notice at all, thank you for that by the way, we bought everything half way because neither of us had much money at the moment... Bob told me we were on their list when we got to the door of the club, so of course we had the tickets, I managed to sell mine, so we only spent 30 usd on the tickets, Lavo was the most expensive club we've ever been in, so we only had one beer, that was until Dash and Bob arrived, and started pouring Vodka bottles that were worth 5 grand there... Ro was way drunk, and I wasn't I wasn't quite feeling anything anymore, I didn't feel as good as I should have, with everything going on that night... and on top of everything I had the stamps that Dash specially brought for us from The Netherlands, so there was no way I was gonna leave those out of my sight. So I was happy, but very uncomfortable.

Then, soon after that, I was due to leave...

It's now been 40 days, and I can still feel his hug on my body, his tears running down my face, and mine soaking his shirt, that was the worse moment of that whole experience, saying goodbye to my better half, and even though I went through some hard days, that day, was by far, the hardest yet.

Now It's been almost 40 days that I've been here and it's been another ring of hell altogether... 

My mom and her husband are not getting along at all... having his useless mother hanging is no help, and his parasite, brain numbing friend from Argentina is a huge dead weight on their relationship as well.

She has no job and can't find one for the life of her, and all he does is shove her face on all he does and has to pay for, and demeaning her by putting in doubt her skills, doubting if she is really looking for a job, because of course he is the master of all reason and truth and by his moronic ideas, we both should have high paying jobs by now as well. Well the voice of REAL reason says otherwise... She has a very specific set of skills and experience, that added to her age makes it incredibly hard to find a job, and I have a huge experience in a lot of areas, but have no residency yet so it's as if I'm not even here at all in matters of a job. 

Apparently I have to learn to deal with ignorant people because it's what life keeps throwing at me... but for the time being my main focus is on getting a job and getting the hell away from this, not only ignorant but self sure asshole, and of course helping my mom to get justly and safely away from his family as well.

This transition is hard on me, I miss my friends even more here than I did when I was in the States... I miss my better half, I want to hug him, and take all the pain away, my sister can't still move on and it would be much easier if we were together, and my best friend, is in the hard process of leaving all that's bad for her behind, which is not only painful but harder when being away from a loved one, I'd love to be by her side on this process, because she was when I was going through it myself...

I missed my cats all winter and now that's hot as the 4th circle of hell here, I miss them even more, I need their purr in the mornings, and their warmth in the afternoons...

Now it's almost time to start my paperwork for the residency and I can't be more excited about it, it means my wait is closer to its end and I will be able to leave this apartment behind along with this guy's mind-numbing idiocy. For the looks of it my mom wants to leave as well, however I'm not sure she will after I'm gone.
This months of being away from everything gave me what I believe to be an insight on my trust issues however I'm not sure how to fix it quite yet... I am taking an online course, because as most people can't use common sense to save their lives in this place, everything needs a diploma to prove that you know basic knowledge stuff like you have to fucking cook chicken until it's no longer pink, as if I haven't spent at least 5 years watching chef Ramsay yell at people because under-cooked stuff on top of my family teaching me basic cooking skills, oh and common fucking sense !
Today I told my best friend to be tranquil, that three quarters of the year she survived unharmed, and it got me thinking everything I went through on the last three quarters of the year, and I can't believe all that it is... or how I managed to not want to kill myself in those 9 months that went by either. And it hit me today as well, that even though I don't regret leaving, I really do want to go back, there's no place like the States, and everything that comes with it, good and bad, hard and easy... but now I have all the time in the world, I have a career ahead of me, and I want to make it a possibility not a chance.
I'm still not sure about my mom's only friend here, there's something about people that only talk about other people that I can't really agree with... that sounds, even though she is quite nice and welcoming and everything, but that thing about her sounds mediocre to me. I really hope I'm wrong but I rarely am with people.
I talked to my former manager at the place I worked in the States and she wants me to go back, and I would love to so much, but not under the same conditions of course, I would need a place to live this time... and I couldn't study there so, if I am to return, I will under a different scenario.
But most of all, I miss her, and the other ASM there, and my team, and the cheap people asking for every single discount together, I miss my freedom, my job, speaking English all the time! Which is only worsened by the fact that I now miss everybody even more than before, and now I have something else to miss. Starting over isn't easy, and going about it this way, is even harder. One of my dearest friends, and one of the few people I don't have to fake anything with, recently moved to London, and she is complaining about the weather and the uptight people and stuff, and I cannot emphasize  how much I understand her. This getting started over again with our lives is gonna take way longer than expected, but hey, here's hoping it's worth it.
Now I'm almost on the 6 months mark, and my mother's divorce is imminent, all we need is for me to get a job, I have my favorable residency approval, so now I have to wait till February for the date to take my fingerprints and photo, and then another 40 days... it's getting really long, and my mood is getting worse with the process.
About 15 days ago my father started talking to me again, after our last fight, I cleared some points with him and agreed to start communicating again, at least I have somebody else to complain with about my mother's husband. his mere existence and presence are setting me off this days...
On Wednesday I have an appointment to present my approval to the Work Office, and perhaps they can find a job for me until I have my ID and I can do that for myself.
I can't bear to see my mother this resigned with the whole situation, just because she cannot afford to divorce the son of a bitch just yet, that's why I am hoping I can get a job as soon as yesterday!
The bad mood and the cloud above my head have been pretty much constant the last few weeks, any little stupid thing sets my anger mode and I can't help it, and I actually don't regret it, which only makes it worse.
Thankfully my mom will finally kick this SOB on the nuts when we are sure we can move on from the financial issues we have right now, she is realizing every dirty little detail of his person, and complaining about it, which I believe is a huge step for her, and soon she will be free, and happier.
I'm only 8 days away from the anniversary of leaving Argentina, and I can't believe the pain I'm in, not because I left, but because of what I miss while not being with my friends, the fear that I will lose some of my dearest friends paralyzes me, along with everything I have to deal with here, is not a great combo to be dealing with right now, on top of everything Christmas is gonna be even worse than last year, I'm gonna be alone, and my mother will have to work both days, making my loneliness even more unbearable, as I will have to be on the house with the 2 people I hate most in this whole Island.
I think the fact that I haven't killed any of them yet, says a lot about my self control, but my stress and anger are only getting worse. I have nothing I would like to read, I don't have a chance to even buy my mom a gift, little as it might be, because all I have are 2 euros, and I feel like screaming and crying every single day here, my cage has only been transferred into a more exotic location than Buenos Aires now... I feel as trapped as I felt back home, and still I don't belong, I still wanna go to the US, I still feel my uncle and my best friend are avoiding me because of distance, and I cannot display all this for my mother whom is also at the verge of exploiting, she is not ready for me to unload all of it on her, and she shouldn't have to deal with my problems more than she already is, And all this before even getting to the one year mark, I'm having a hell of a year, literally. I just hope it ends and next year is better because I cannot have another year as this one.
And today as I get past the 1 year mark, my nostalgia is worse than ever, one year ago, we were alone together in Miami, having a weird time, but on our own, I felt free and for a few days with not much worry, and now, it's so far beyond that, it's insane.
My sister got a new job yesterday and we're planing for her to come here on vacations, I spent the whole night talking to my better half, and all night tonight talking to my friend in London, it kind of feels better, but I still miss them all so much, I sent Christmas cards this week to Ro Ivi and Maru and I hope they get it soon to, so maybe it feels a little bit as if I was closer when they do.
I can't wait to start working and be able to have my independence again, I need my air more than ever. Here's hoping for a better next year.