legs shaking

How can we change everything we are, or believe for just one person? those characteristics, that were the definition of a whole YOU are no longer accurate, for you changed your personality, the way you behave around other people, and even your friends and family, just to please or just being in the gracefully sight of the person that you are looking approval from... now, we've all been there, started listening something different, just so we can have something to talk about with somebody exiting that we have absolutely nothing in common with, we've all gone horrible places with horrible faces, so we can be around a person that we love, even though this person might or might not notice we're next to it... but how can we tear apart adapting to someone we care for, to absolutely change ourselves for that someone?

When an everyday smile is turned into an everyday hour crying, there are two options, either this is all part of the insecurity our life has built on us, or is really the moment in which you see the person in front of you as he or she really is, the moment you realize that love you gave, wasn't really love, but the mere idea that we had established in our heads, that ideal that kept us going through horrible nights and insufferable disappointments. Now a person who adapts is a person willing to work the love they share with the person they're adapting to, well aware, love isn't enough by itself, for we all come from different backgrounds, cultures and ideas, there lays the difference that might tear a great love apart. Now a person willing to change everything in their lives for someone, either there isn't such personality to change, and it was all smoke and mirrors,deceiving every close person around her or him, or they never understood the real meaning of a friend, of a person that is there no matter what, because they are willing to trade that, for, this is beyond my power to diagnose, a person that might as well get tired, and, night to the morning, leave your heart alone and with no life, and you choosing that for your life, you end up alienated from the ones that really cared for you.

Now this lays onto me, how can I haven't seen before such a behavior, how can I have denied all this years that someone wasn't really who I thought, and the most important question, why did I enable myself to keep believing that it was a momentary laps on the conduct ? People always say that we're all smart until we fall in love, now when it comes to other kind of relationships, how do we draw the line that separates the reality from the idealization we create over the years? Nobody seems to terminate any other relationships but loving ones, now is it really that wrong or even odd from a person, to terminate relationships with family or with life long friends if those people don't live up to the expectation they created on the first place? how can we chose our wife or husband, but not if to take all the insults and demeaning strokes from our parents, our siblings or even our grandparents? why aren't we socially allowed to scratch those people off our lives, and if we do, we're unbearable monsters that killed their relatives over a silly argument? Perhaps this is all about being more drastic then usual and that I haven't find a person alike yet...

I used to believe my mom knew it all, now I can't even have a conversation with her, that doesn't make me wanna slap her for being immature, when did those roles changed? is it a middle life crisis she is having or is it that I become more and more tolerant every day ? Even through my darkest fears, I come to find peace, for a brief moment of time, but I am facing some changes that are those goals that I've been waiting for years, true I've done nothing in those years for it to happen, I only did recently, but along came other things that I might have to adapt to that I am not completely sure I want to... how to chose between survival and belief? That's the question filling my mind all day, and all night long, making me have horrible nightmares, that even haunt me when I am awake, making me wondering if this life I am living right now is it reality or is just part of a bad trip I had sometime that I've never realized I was still on... Those fears that make me snap with meaningless things, pushing the only one that's always there through the worst days, mourning things I thought I already did peace with... I apparently don't have it as together as I once though... not in control all the time,  and not alone for the first time. How can I reform myself to be exactly what we need if I have no idea where to start,  or if it will even be what we need when it's done ? As nobody will ever answer this questions for me, at least not in a helpful kind of way, I dare to say I hold those answers inside, but my fears, have them locked in deep inside, for what I have to suffer over silly things until that little star shines on the night showing me that nothing is changed, only something is moving among us, something that wasn't even there before, it will make us stumble, and will drag us even closer together, but in the meantime is just shaking the hell out of our legs.